My relationship with Antar has ended. For the time being I’m going to a short hiatus while I find myself again and mourn the ending. It was a relationship that wasn’t good for me but I still loved him and need to give myself the chance to mourn it’s ending and move on. I hope to be back among my followers and friends soon.
I have survived my whole life by never really relying on anyone else. I get by on my wits and the fact I never give up. I have craved to relinquish control and know someone has my back but there is a fundamental part of me, the part that has kept me alive and made me survive, that rebels at this. Does this mean I’m not submissive? Not a babygirl? Does my inability to turn that part of me off like a light switch mean I’m a failure? I don’t know and worse yet I feel like Sir just checked out so I’m on my own to deal with this inner turmoil, turmoil that’s been brewing for two days.
I’m mad as hell, confused, sad, scared, and edgy. I want to rage and throw a fit, cry in a small ball, and pretend like nothing is wrong. I want Daddy to hold me through it all and be my rock, my shelter but I can’t ask for it. He has work and needs to take care of His other responsibilities. So I try not to be a bother or distraction. So I sit myself on the sideline to deal with my issues so I’m out of everyone’s way when all I really want is someone to look at me, see the pain that’s tearing me apart, and wrap me securely in their arms.
I want someone to know that when I say I’m fine that’s it’s complete bullshit. I want them to know I’m screaming on the inside for help but I can’t tell them that because seeking attention is not who I am. So I’ll just sit in my corner hoping someone sees my pain. Maybe I’m meant to be isolated. I always seem to be an outsider. I can fake my way through most groups but I never really belong. Maybe it’s the same for me in BDSM. I feel like at any second the community at large it’s going to realize I’m not a real babygirl/sub and come stone me to death yelling that I’m an outsider and don’t belong.
Sir keeps suggesting that my mood would be fixed, or at least greatly improved, if only I lost weight. I don’t doubt that I would feel better, at least temporarily, but I want to learn to love myself and my body at any size. If I can only love myself when I’m smaller I feel like there is something wrong with that. I feel like my mind, heart, and soul have lost their value to Sir. They are less because my body is what gives Him pleasure. I know I didn’t go to college but I’m not stupid. I feel deeply and my soul isn’t perfect but it’s not the worst either.
I feel like Sir doesn’t listen to me. He allows the words to be spoken but they never go beyond that. It feels like He has one set of rules that should fit all subs and if they don’t fit then either suffer through or walk away. Is that common among Doms? I wonder if He would fight to keep me. It’s not like I’m the only sub He has or that He has much trouble finding subs. And where is the sweet, loving Daddy who was happy being loving and romantic? I feel like I’m a conglomeration of holes to be used, which is great sometimes, and nothing more. I just want to be treasured, cherished, loved, and protected. I want to be treated like a gentle princess with a rough side.
It feels like He doesn’t have as much time for me any more. He says it’s because of work, my demons say I’m being replaced, but either way I don’t want to be a bother so I’m understanding and wait until he has time for me. Except when He does all He wants is my body. I’ve started to hate my body. My aching mind, heart, and soul have greatly cooled my passions. I did feel frisky for a moment earlier but He was distracted. That quickly put out that spark. My demons like to think He wasn’t tired as He said but playing with the other sub.
Her desires make me look like a prude. I trusted her to begin with but she started telling me more about herself and my instincts said “RUN!” She was telling me things that sounded a little too good to be true and in my experience that means they are. I hesitated to tell Sir. I don’t want Him to think I’m just trying to sabotage the relationship. Especially since He seemed to believe her. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m out of my league. I’d love some advice and input from others.
Today has been a bad day. I woke up in a bad mood. Well, not bad, more like down I guess. Physically I was fine, not even that tired. Got a lot done around the house today but just couldn’t shake the funk. I did get done some cleaning and tidying up, doing laundry, running errands, and playing a hidden objects game. All of those things usually improve my mood but they didn’t. Daddy even tried playing with me and I just couldn’t bring myself to be interested.
I hate when I get like this. I’ll do what I have to, go though the motions sometimes, but not really experience things like I usually would. My libido crashes when I’m like this, too. I hate leaving Sir in such a predicament. He tried to make me interested in sex but I just wasn’t. My mom suggested it might be a spiritual inner struggle. I think she might be right. I need to deal with my hate for God and I think that time is here. Getting out of the house helped a little.
It started out laughing and goofing off at the grocery for Aj’s benefit but before long I was laughing for real. Nothing big or over the top but real giggles. I was still melancholy and the giggles stopped once Aj was gone but it raised my spirits a little.
Sir has busy most of the day. That didn’t help (but that wasn’t until much later in the day when the demons started hunting me again) and was probably for the best. I would hate to be bitchy and say something I don’t mean. That’s always my biggest fear when I feel like this. I would be very upset with myself if I said something rude or out of line to Sir. Or, heaven forbid, hurtful. Luckily things have calmed down though. Wish me luck as I start the journey to forgive God for my past and start to move forward. I’m exhausted so goodnight world.
Today was just an average boring day. I did get a very short nap this morning but I was mostly awake for it and I got while up by mom screaming like a loony at the dog. As we were planning our day my presents from Daddy came today. I thought she was going to die of curiosity. She seemed hurt when I didn’t immediately offer too trek her what got. So in the name of peace and coexisting I told her in played down and generalized terms that I got beauty products and a coloring book.
I did not, however, mention the non pierced nipple rings I got or the riding crop coming tomorrow. I also didn’t trek her anything about either product nor did I show them to her. I tried out both products tonight. My face seems smoother and softer. The mask felt tingly and funny as it dried. Mom did see the coloring book from a distance since I did color in a page of it tonight. I love this coloring book! First, because it’s from Daddy. Second, because it is mandalas and I love the intricacy and fine detail of them.
Mom and I did have a nice trip to the second-hand book store. I got a couple books as well as carabiners in the shapes of skeleton keys. I got a book on achieving inner peace through you physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I also got a historical mystery fiction novel that rotates around the Titanic and present day. Lastly, I got a book on body language. I love learning more about body language. It’s always been an interest of mine.
I did put the nipple rings on when I received them. It was quite a thrill going to the high school for a summer activity fair. Especially since people I know from my time on the parks committee were there. I was very wet and wound up by the time I got home. It was fun being covertly naughty. I really wanna do it again more often. (looking around for Daddy to appear out of nowhere no make me do fun wicked things in public)
Aj and I did spend some time together once I got back. He helped me play a hidden object game we’ve been working at. It’s a lot of fun but now it’s time for bed. Goodnight all you freaky people out there.
It was all I could do to get up this morning. I was so exhausted, and still am. Going without panties has been irritating me for awhile but I finally couldn’t stand it any more. Daddy instead will be picking out the underwear that I wear, if I wear any. An occasional no panty day doesn’t irritate my womanhood.
It was a hectic day. I spent most of it cleaning or running errands before my mom and her husband got back today. I did stir up Daddy once He got home from work and got more than I bargained for. Daddy put my climax off what felt like an eternity, somewhere between 10-20 minutes. I’m not sure on the time. It felt like over an hour. I was so wet I was afraid of making a mess on the couch. When He did finally grant me release I thought I might explode into nothingness.
I came so much that even after cleaning up once my juices flowed out of me steadily for almost an hour. I’ve never experienced anything like that. It was all I could do to walk to the bathroom to clean up after I was done. Daddy says this is just the beginning and there is more on the way. That excites me and scares me a little.
After that I spent the day cleaning or running errands. Mom and I did start a puzzle tonight so that was fun. No one noticed my new purse hanging in the dining room or the new perplexus ball in my room that Daddy sent me. More comes in tomorrow. Anna gets a new coloring book. There is also two beauty products coming as well as non pierced nipple rings, I can’t wait for those! I also have a riding crop coming in another day or so. My Daddy is so good to me. I appreciate it so much and would be just as happy without the gifts. It’s Daddy’s love I couldn’t live without.
I’m starting to get a very pointed headache behind my right eye from lack of sleep so I’m going to bed. Goodnight y’all!
Today was very low key. I didn’t go to sleep until 7 this morning. I was just wide awake and couldn’t settle after accidentally falling asleep on the couch last night. I woke up about 8:30 or so this morning because Aj was hurting. I couldn’t fall back asleep so I got up. Daddy did tell me that I have presents on the way. He told me what I’m getting this time. Anna has a coloring book coming. There is also two facial beauty products coming and then a riding crop (my first and I’m so excited) and pink swan nipple rings, non pierced.
I’ve been surprisingly, at least to me it is, excited about the nipple rings. There was quite a few on the list to choose different styles. I have to wait two more days. I think I’ll burst. Aside from that I dozed most of the day on the couch. I’m just exhausted. Other than that it was a typical Sunday. Antar made love to me tonight. It was passionate and delicious. My eyes are literally crossing so I’m going to go to bed. Nothing else really to talk about except that my babygirl is sick. 😦
Aj and I did have fun together at the grocery store. Had people chuckling at our antics. I don’t mind. We had fun and it brought a smile to their day. I however, need to pass out before my eyes cross permanently. My eyes are already hurting so goodnight everyone.
4 hours of sleep is just not enough. But that’s exactly what I got last night. Aj woke me but I needed Daddy so bad. I tried to wait patiently for Him. I want to be respectful but I couldn’t help myself. I just had to tell Him His babygirl was laying here naked and waiting for Him. It was glorious. After letting me adore and love His cock and balls He face fucked me. I thought I was in heaven. It wasn’t long though until I heard Aj becoming restless and we had to end our fun sooner than either of us would have liked. The joys of motherhood 😉
I’m in awe of the changes my epiphanies of late have brought about in me. I have a feeling my demons will never truly go away but they are somehow less. On occasion I think the distance and mountain of obstacles standing between Daddy and I being in each others arms gets to Him. Every once in awhile He sounds fatalistic about our future. My demons eat that up like it’s ambrosia. Usually it’s enough to trigger a tailspin but today I could manage it down to a stomach churning uneasiness.
While that may not sound like much to some that is a huge victory for me. I was able to explain to Daddy where I was emotionally and ask for the help I needed in putting my demons back in their cave. It didn’t even require as much coddling from Daddy as it usually does. I was also able to discover His need that triggered the statement to begin with and ease His worries and fears for my well being in an uncertain future.
What I was able to do next really amazes and astounds me though. Having so recently put back my demons I tend to be vulnerable to another uprising for awhile afterwards. So when Antar (Daddy) brought up asking our new sub to be His girlfriend as well, the demons tried to take advantage of me being blindsided.
First off, let me explain that Antar and I are committed lovers (boyfriend and girlfriend) working toward the goal of making a real life together. We are also in an open relationship and while I understand that entails other women none had been of the caliber to warrant an invitation to become a girlfriend so I was a little surprised when Antar brought it up. I was able to breath away all but a slight edge of the panic of being replaced that the demons tried to overwhelm me with. I could explain that I needed a few minutes to deal with my own surprise and demons to know how I really felt about it.
Antar immediately reminded me that if it was something I couldn’t handle that was OK, He loved me and respected that decision and He wouldn’t pursue it. That took the pressure off and let me look at my feelings without feeling like I would be letting Him down if I didn’t agree. I was able to take some time and look at it mostly calmly and know it was the right choice for us. I also knew I needed help kicking my demons back to their cave.
So for the first time ever instead of floundering and struggling to ask for what I need I was able to clearly express to Daddy what I needed to get rid of the demons and bless this new string to be woven into our life’s fabric. He, being the demon slayer He is, kicked their butts back to their cave and we were able to welcome our babygirl more deeply into our family. I fought and won against my demons for 30 minutes today after already being vulnerable to them. I am amazed at the change in me.
I am always vulnerable to Daddy but there was something different about it this afternoon. I felt like a lioness mounted by a lion, His teeth at the back of my neck. I was helpless and wound tight as a spring. Lost in overwhelming waves of hot desire with an uncontrollable need to give to Him anything He wanted, even my life if that’s what He desired. Standing in the house with my brother and son talking to me I couldn’t function. I wasn’t mom or sister. I was slave, His slave and until He released me from His hold that’s all I could be.
I bolted for the bathroom. I had to give more of myself to Him. I just had to. I couldn’t breath properly until He was satisfied. He took what He wanted and I gave it happily. When I was finally able to mumble out my pressing situation Daddy didn’t waste time sending us into a mind numbing, leg shaking orgasm. It was one of the most intense moments of my life. I hope to repeat it very soon.
I got to explore my Dom side a little tonight. Playing with babygirl and Daddy at the same time is a skill I am still working on. It’s hard to find my desire for physical release. My Dom side, Lady Dee, has no interest in my own physical release most of the time. I get off on the power I have over babygirl. Daddy wants me to cum though so my sub side is chasing the high. I end up feeling very torn. Last time I couldn’t climax at all, this time I finally did manage it though.
Sliding in and out of these roles in this kind of situation feels right in my soul. This is what I’m meant to be. It won’t be easy finding that balance, nothing in my life ever is, but it’s who I am so I will master it. I love sharing the mentoring and guiding of babygirl with Daddy though. It brings another connect to our already deeply interwoven hearts. I’ve never had my life be what I would call great. Moments of it of course but never describe my whole life as amazing or great.
But that is exactly what my life has become. I have an amazing son who I’m very close to, a sweet as pie babygirl that I cherish deeply, a soulmate who has not only brought me back to life but also helped me to find myself again, and I am at peace with God and learning to love, trust, and bring Him into my heart again. I don’t think life gets much better than that. I hope everyone out there is as equally blessed in their lives.